Standing By

I am in a stand-by mood. Again. Miracles happen, but they don't last. I feel so away from everything I really care for, and what I care for is unattainable. There are a few things I have learned in this painful process of growing up, but I have not developed on them. I'm sitting at the porch of my own obsolete structure, seeing life pass by and wave its hello nonchalantly. I can't go out to play, I don't dare. It lasts an eternity, even when the pain sometimes becomes unbearable.

If you can't make life go on, you should at least be able to make it go away. I think I love beyond my common sense. I am old enough to know my mind can't control anything my body craves for, be it food, people or pleasure for its own sake. Others seem to be able to, though. There is no such thing as falling in love in their lives, there is some degree of pain, a little temptation, but replacement compensates the failure. Life falls back in place when the threat of suffering raises its ugly head. Lucky them. I hold no replacement, no resources that would spare me from going solo in a world full of selfish souls. Replacement terms for me are sheer emptiness.

I soothe my own pain, but cannot bear its presence. My body goes numb in a sea of pleasing, faraway memories. There is no foundation to build upon, there is nothing to seek, yet nothing has been explored. What am I longing for?